Friday, 15 August 2008

The stress is on.
Today I was on this BM website la (yes, I use the Internet to study) and they CONVENIENTLY put how many days there is left for SPM.
87 people.
That's like FAST
I never knew it was so near, so, I have been preparing, but somehow after my birthday, it seems a whole lot nearer. Just thinking about the day is making me nervous.
and Ive been having panic attacks and I have alot going on right now so I have the right to have a panic attack and meltdowns.
Nav said I needed to talk to someone, but I dont think that'll help, I shall instead, blog about it.
Ok, so here it goes, It's gonna be long and all of you dont have to read it.
And you're probably gonna think I'm some screwed up person but, I told ya, YOU DONT HAVE TO READ IT

SPM is so near, omg, I cant believe the months just flew. It's like, where did the year go? I feel prepared and not prepared at the same time. I want to study but nothing goes it. I feel blank. I have insomnia, i cant sleep, my mind is always awake. Thinking. Going through things. and Ive gotten to a stage of like, when I think of something and i dont know the answer I have to find out what it is-even if its something like what is biochemical oxygen demand or why to peoples eye colour change when they grow old. My curiosity has gotten the best of me. I want to badly to be the top in my school, be my schools valedictorian, I mean, how often can one say that they are a valedictorian. And now I'm so close to it and yet also so far. I have also my parents to please, my sister to beat (sorry sash xD ) and myself to please. I can't imagine result day, I dont want to be sad, I don't want to regret. I want to be proud of what I got, because I know whatever I did, whatever I got, I tried my best. Other than studies, school is a total waste of time now. I am soo not 100% prepared for my trials, I mean, Ive finished some but there's still a few things left to cover. I'm in the editorial board and I'm not complaining, I love it but it's stressful coz we have a deadline and we also have to do the cover, talk to the printers, take pics, edit them. phew. And I hate my freakking weight, I think due to sitting alot and studying i've become a more passive person. I think i've loaded on a few pounds, well-at least it will be lost after spm. Another thing is that fact that was some ass on a forum who called me ugly. And you know, it's ok if someone calls u ugly once or twice but he kept harping on it ==. COMMMON. I try so hard to look at the positive. And BAM. this, I try so hard to not let it get to me. But, it does sometimes. In other news [felt like saying this], I also have this anemic + lock jaw thing going on. The doctor tot that the lockjaw was influenced by the anemia but it's still going on after 1 month of iron tablets. So, If it still happens after this second month ends, I'll have to get an x-ray [which will shorten my life by seconds, OMG] and I will be refereed to a specialist. It's scary because, I dont know what if it's serious? You can never be too sure. I volunteered myself for the SPCA public speaking competition-I really hope I win, that way I get to see Khan [for those of you who dont know Khan was a kitten I saved from death and nursed him back to health (with the help of the veterinarian of cozzzz] and with a heavy heart gave him to the SPCA. I miss him so much. Oh gosh, I sometimes still cry when I think of him even though he's been gone since May. He took a piece of my heart la, now that place is empty] and I think that if i win I'll probably donate the prize money (like 60% of it) to the SPCA. and the other 40% will go to me. I know, selfish of me right, but Im totally broke! On top of the "oh I'm trying to win" thing I also have writers block because of this stress. Phew. gosh. Someone help me! I have mixed feelings for spm, I forgot to mention that, im sure we all do. Sometimes Im like, "FUCK THIS EXAM! LETS GET IT OVER WITH" and mostly im saying stuff like "oh shit. I wish I had MORE TIME ". SO yeah, So dont blame me if im stressed. If I dont get my sleep, Ill go to a doctor for sleeping pills : I cant afford to get sick now. Please, immune system, dont screw up now.

The end.


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