Monday, 27 October 2008

THIS IS A RANT. seriously. dont read if you dont want to read me rant.

Ok, so basically my life has been a pathetic routine that i want to break out of.
I am stressed hence suffering mild depression? Is that normal when you get stressed?
Dont take me wrong here, I think me being stress shows that I actually care about this SPM thingy because 96% of the time I dont get stressed. So... I am happy but unhappy that I'm stressed. Does that even make sense?
Because I usually take life as it goes. And frankly speaking the "getting straight A's for SPM" is so lame. Not that I dont care about getting straight A's or whatever I just think it's so overrated. I mean, even with B's you can still enter the university and stuff unless you were aiming for a scholarship - thn you'd have no choice BUT to get straight A's.
But think about it, why all the hype? I mean, at the end of the day, in the long run, its about how much you earn and if your job can support a lifestyle that you want to live after your education is over. or so to say, once you become an adult in the real world (because apparently the world that we teenagers live in is the fake world)

I hate routine. I cannot express how much I hate routine. I jsut want to be able to do what I want when i want how I want. My mom says after SPM I can go out and do what I want when I want and how I want-but we all know that's not happening la. Lol. After my PMR I was promised that and i didnt get it. I pointed it out to my mom and she's like well now you're older and i gave her the "yeah right sure" look. I mean seriously. I sometimes feel claustrophobic. like the walls around me are slowly caving in. I need one day to just sleep and do nothing. I know I have those days but I feel so exhausted la. Like, Really. Mentally and physically.

Ok this is gonna be so out of topic. But i cannot stand rejection. Maybe its because I was brought up that way? I dont know. I usually get what I want (Within limit) and have the last say. Not having the last say in smething is making me pissed. It's like for instance if you hate me and you come crawling back to me, I want the satisfaction of hating you last? Omg. Imsuchabitch. But you get the idea! I like to be in control. so yeah. that's bugging me too.

There's also the weight/height/looks issue. People see me as confident. LOL. lets just say im a good faker. We all have our insecurities. I have mine. And some days they re just staring you in the face. so...basically you feel really crappie.

Also ALSO,yes theres more, Ive been home alot more now. Like home alone. 2 days now. With leftover dinners and sandwiches. yay me ? anyways, I used to have hamsters. the last one died this year (godblesshissoul) and I want a dog. I WANT A DOG. I want one so badly. But there's a part of me going, no I dont want one. I dont have time for one. and another part going BUT YES YOU DO. ok let me make this easier to understand
me : I want a dog laa. Im so lonely. Ive wanted one since I was 9 but never got one!
Me2: Yea, but you don't have time or a dog. You're 17! you're going to college soon. Do you think you'd have time for one? Are mum and dad gonna be keeping it? and you know dad doesn't really like animals. His favorite pet would be a fish for christ sake.

Me: But maybe I can work something out. Or foster pets or something!
Me2: But you don't even have a garden!
Me: Ah, but My apartment is 2 stories! and we have the whole library area and stuff that's practically empty!
Me2: Are you gonnna be cleaning the dog or is mom?
Me2: When you go to college?
ME: well..

So that's basically is what is going on

SO I HAVE DIAGNOSED MYSELF WITH mild depression and maybe anxiety and bipolar disorder teamed with insomnia?.
the end of the rant.


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